Two years ago, I took a step, actually it was more like a leap. I held my own future in my hands and leapt into a bright unknown.
I say bright because never for one second did I ever think that SEDA was a bad decision. And I still don’t.
However leaving mainstream high school was hard. The majority of my four years there, I struggled with the social side of things.
In a lot of ways I felt as if one day there was a class on how to be social; and I missed it.
And just as I started to build a solid group of friends, I left. Typical.
I still had ties and that made my transition easier but there were nights were I felt so empty. As if my body was there but I was missing a huge part of myself, as if I was hovering above. There, yet not at all connected properly.
Those times went away. But then they came back and they came back with a vengeance.
Harder. Sadder. More lonely. More empty.
I learnt to overcome this by myself, as a result my sense of inner happiness became more pure and strong than it ever was. And I’ve stayed that way.
Still every once in a while, I was jaded by the thought of my friends. How they all had each other and seemed so much more connected; while I continued to keep my own company.
But over the last few days I’ve realised, that we’re all the same. Each longing for company and often lonely.
Essentially we are all individuals and we will remain that way for our lifetime.
We all are looking for particular things in life - love, happiness. Yet it’s important to find these things in and by ourselves.
If we find happiness in someone else and they leave, it shall go with them.
If you find a happiness inside yourself, no one can take that from you, except you.
Many think life is solely about finding love. It very well may be.
However finding love for the one person whom you shall spend every second of you life with should be a priority.
Learn to find happiness and love in you.
These days it’s so hard to step outside the box that is our society. And I often wonder whether as a race we’ve always been this judgmental or it’s something that’s just grown with time.
Everyday we shun others for being different. You know what I mean, that one kid whose just a little bit out there, who refuses to be part of the fold. They’ll whistle their own tune until the cows come home and secretly, everyone has a little chuckle behind their back, at their expense.
And they have that one thing or that one idea that they think is genius, but no one else can see it. Until finally someone else does. And then no one can deny it was brilliant all along.
Why are we like this?
So quick to judge and so hard to convince initially, yet so easily persuaded by a new perspective.
We are too controlled by our pride and ego, too scared to break out of that binding, societal mold but secretly more insecure then we’d ever let on.
I hate that it’s such a big thing to be different.
That you have to summon courage to walk your own path and that’s for some reason considered to be overly “brave”.
To be unique is something that is worth being praised and celebrated.
I’m sick of the box that is our society and it’s judgement.
I’m sick of the pressure to conform.
I’m sick of being told that who I am or what I do is not good enough.
I will not be defined by the ideas of those who are not strong enough to think for themselves.
A lot. Mostly about one thing.
That I’m so crazily, undeniably and wholeheartedly in love with surfing.
I’m in a relationship with an element, that’s exactly what this is - and I doubt it shall ever end.
I’ll blow my friends off, tell them I can’t hang out I’m going surfing.
I’ll spend weeknights and weekends and holidays, not with anyone but with the cold, rolling waves.
I spend too much of my time dreaming and longing to run back into the ocean.
Dying to catch another wave and feel that rush just one more time before I have to return to the land.
I fear that I’ll never love someone as much as I do my surfing. And I fear quite often.
Because nobody can make me feel as ecstatic, as relaxed, as accomplished or as at home as the ocean does.
And that worries me.
I knew from the age of nine that surfing was what wanted for the rest of my life, regardless of anything else.
So far I’ve got exactly what I wanted.
When I was young no one ever told me that this could happen.
That I could be so attached to something that didn’t live or breathe or talk back to me.
I don’t know that I would’ve believed them anyway.
In a way it’s like a perfect union; there’s no secrets, no jealousy and I can be as absolutely selfish as I want.
Until it’s not so perfect. Because as lively, ever-changing and wild as the ocean may be, it’s still a one-sided love.